KARE for Your Pet Alien

Gail Harper


So, it’s September 21, 2019, the day after the Area 51 raid, and you’ve escaped relatively unscathed. Even better, you absconded with an alien to call your own! But what now?

To watch after the newest out-of-this-world member of your family, remember to KARE!


  1.  Keep it hidden. You may want nothing more than to show off your new best friend, but this is the furthest thing from what you should really do! The government will be on your trail from the moment you step out of Area 51. The best case scenario would be trackers on your space amigo (which, of course, were installed the moment our foreign friends made contact with the government). The best way to bypass this measure would be to procure an underground bunker lined with an interruptive metal such as copper, to interfere with the signals.
  2.  Always be prepared. Your alien’s tendencies might seem odd or even alarming to you, but have no fear, these quirks are nothing more than its natural activities. Prepare yourself for its distinct twitches, movements, or reaction. Another important part of preparing to welcome an alien into your family is to keep a plethora of supplies on hand. As far as we know, these aliens might like to nibble on human food, cat food, actual cats, or whatever object in the bunker might catch its eye. Just be prepared, don’t be scared, and whatever you do, make sure you have an escape plan should the alien turn hostile.
  3.  Regularly reassure. Your alien will most likely be tentative (at best) upon arrival to its new bunker home, so reassurance is key. The alien may or may not be able to understand human languages, and we don’t know if their species has the same psychological reaction to calming coos and whispers as we do, so it may be necessary to try out a range of affirmations. Practice screaming as if you were possessed, muttering as if seducing a secret lover, or singing at the top of your lungs as if the spirit of Alanis Morissette will live on in you forever. Get creative with it! You never know what might work.
  4.  Educate, educate, educate. The goal is not to keep your precious green-tinted baby hidden indefinitely, it’s to integrate it into our society. To do this, it is imperative to instill inherent human values into the foreigner. Sure, it came from a different planet and where there’s a completely different way of living, but it’s here now, so make sure you compel it to conform! Your new galaxy pal needs to learn meaningful human qualities such as baseball and road rage. Education, after all, is the passport to the future.

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