Ashtyn Britt
abritt@lc.edu

 

*Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is at times a long and exhausting process. It took me many years to completely accept myself, and try to venture into the dating world. Over time, I have ended up collecting stories and lessons learned from my dating life, which I will now be sharing every month for roughly the next year. All names will be changed to protect the privacy of everyone mentioned, as they deserve anonymity and respect- no matter how bad the stories may have ended. Instead of telling these stories in chronological order, I will be telling them by order of importance of their morals.*

Usually, my queer dating stories centers on one of my previous failed attempts at romance in order to share the importance of what I learned from said failure with my readers. However, for this month, I am not going to talk about one of my previous relationships, I am going to talk about all of them at once instead.

I have spent a long time talking about all of the ways my relationships have gone wrong, and recently I have come to a realization that has been both jarring and freeing when it comes to my view of relationships. The truth is… maybe she just wasn’t that into me. 

Sure, at first glance this could be seen as harsh, or another way of saying “Maybe she’s just a jerk!” or “Boohoo, maybe I wasn’t good enough.” That isn’t what I mean, though. It isn’t anything against my previous lovers, it’s just a simple fact: things weren’t meant to be, they wanted to search for someone better suited to them, and that’s not about me.

A few, I’m sure, were happy to leave, but there were more who genuinely felt sorrow for how things left off and saw great value in me as a person. I just wasn’t the person for them.

I know that objectively, I’m a great person, and I am much more than enough; I am not perfect, but I’m a decently attractive, driven, smart, attentive, and an overall good girlfriend in my relationships. I know logically that eventually, the right woman will gladly sweep me off my feet and I’ll probably live an overall happy life, and I don’t have to worry, because I will have a woman who one day will be exactly that into me. For when she reads this in the future, hey there, beautiful! As for the others, they just weren’t into me, and that’s okay. 99 percent of my relationships will fail because I only need the one percent that will succeed.

I recently came to this conclusion by reading the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. I admit that going in, this book is a little dated and heteronormative (speaking to women about their relationships with men and being published in 2004, including a “Let him ask YOU out,” piece of advice that I personally take with a grain of salt). However, the overall advice is pretty solid and applies to everyone, pronouns aside.

The logic applies to all people in the same way: If she’s not asking you out, not calling you, not texting you, not properly dating you, not having a physical relationship with you (especially if she is with someone else), only wants to see you while inebriated, doesn’t want to marry you, doesn’t want to move in with you, ghosts you, is already in a committed relationship with someone else, is selfish with you, is rude to you, or breaks up with you, then she just isn’t that into you. 

While everyone has different standards or goals in life (like those who may not want to get married, for example), you never have to sacrifice your own needs to try to appease someone else.

People, whether they be men, women, or otherwise, tend to be a lot more simple than we make them out to be. When someone really wants to be with you, they make a strong effort to be with you. They don’t make excuses, they show up on time, they are clear about their feelings for you, and they never make you doubt where their loyalties are.

When we care about someone we love, sometimes we try to make as many excuses for them in order to either salvage the failed relationship or avoid bad feelings. We allow them extenuating circumstances and try to sometimes blame ourselves when sometimes, it’s a simple fact that can’t be changed. Sometimes, she’s just not that into you. It isn’t her fault, or mine, or anyone else’s. 

While nobody is always perfect all of the time and all relationships require some degree of compromise, it’s important to not settle for someone who isn’t sure about you. You, dear reader, deserve the best. You deserve someone that loves you, is willing to consistently make the effort in your relationship and sees you for the wonderful and attractive individual you are.

You don’t deserve to stay up late wondering if the person you like is in this the same way you are. You deserve better, and deserve to find someone who is so into you that you look at past relationships and wonder “Wow, why did I ever let them treat me like that?” I recommend at least giving the book a read through one time, and keep in mind that there is a lid for every pot out there.

I’m telling you all this because I optimistically am choosing to embrace the “She’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy for myself, and making the choice to actively love myself for the person I am. In the meantime, the right lady will come along and be just as into me as I will be into her, because before we can expect anyone else to be into us, we have to be into ourselves. Most of my audience is rather young, with plenty of years to love ourselves and others. To all my previous ex-lovers and probably ex-lovers to come: Thank you for the time and lessons you’ve given me, and for your love, whether brief or not. I hope one day you all find someone you’ll truly be into and stay into, just like I hope the same for myself. We all deserve to be happy, and some of you I still hold fondly in my heart.

Lastly, to my future “The One”, who I will undoubtedly beg to read all of my Queer Dating Stories someday because of how much I love to write them, I can’t wait to meet you, because I know I am going to be so into you. (I also hope that you like pumpkin spice flavored things and singing songs from many odd Broadway musicals no matter where we are because I am also really into that.)