Queer Dating Stories: The Return of Mx. Big

Ashtyn Britt
abritt@lc.edu

 

*Coming to terms with one’s sexuality is at times a long and exhausting process. It took me many years to completely accept myself, and try to venture into the dating world. Over time, I have ended up collecting stories and lessons learned from my dating life, which I will now be sharing every month for roughly the next year. All names will be changed to protect the privacy of everyone mentioned, as they deserve anonymity and respect- no matter how bad the stories may have ended. Instead of telling these stories in chronological order, I will be telling them by order of importance of their morals.*

Long before I thought of Queer Dating Stories, another writer with curly hair had decided to write about relationships. Her name was Carrie Bradshaw, who would write honestly about her experiences along with those of her closest friends. The main man in Carrie’s life who seemed to always keep coming around, was Mr. Big. I like to sometimes think of myself as a lesbian version of Carrie, and I of course have my own Ms. Big. Rather Mx. Big, since they’re nonbinary. For the more loyal readers, they know that I have written about Big before. I had told the story of our love, our break up, and how they had left me for another woman.

However, just like on TV and the movies, nothing is ever as simple as it first appears. A year later, a few relationships later, the stars aligned and brought Big and I together again. Now, some of my readers may be a bit surprised or skeptical. You can imagine my surprise when I found myself speaking to Big again, getting caught up on how our lives had been and what we were up to now. We also, of course, talked about the first article because to my surprise they still followed my writing even after we stopped talking.

What I hadn’t told the world about the other woman, whom I will refer to as Natasha, was that she had made contact with me at one point after Big had cut off contact without explanation. This is specifically how I found out the reason why Big left. What I hadn’t known, was that Big didn’t even know she had reached out to me. Our going theory is that Natasha had gone behind Big’s back into their phone to find my number and text me. Conveniently, Natasha never mentioned this to Big at any point during their own on-again-off-again relationship for many months.

After speaking to Big, I also now know the reason Big left me. In short, they were in a very vulnerable place emotionally and realized they wanted a future with me that they didn’t feel ready for yet. They felt they were about to spiral for reasons unrelated to me, and didn’t want to drag me down. They were honestly, in their own way, trying to spare me from pain. Once I was given this information and we attempted to speak on friendly terms, nature took its course. Rather than repeat our unhealthy pattern though, we discussed another option: we start over. 

To say that it was an easy conclusion to let Big and I try again would be untrue. It took a lot of talking it out, a lot of forgiveness on both parts, and a true willingness to see it through. After all, my heart had been broken before by Big, and it was something I took serious time to process and grow from. I had to ask myself the biggest question anyone can when it comes to relationships: Should I give the person who broke my heart a second chance?

I chose yes. Nobody knows the future for certain, and there’s always the more important question involved, whether or not the other person makes me happy. Big makes me very, very happy in more ways than I could ever have enough paper to type on to explain. My message in the first article about Big was that it was important to prioritize our self love, and I have learned that lesson well in the year Big and I had been apart. I love myself, I love myself so much that I know should Big and I not work out again, that I will be there to heal myself. I love myself enough to try, because I deserve love from others as well.

Big and I are taking proper time to know each other, to enjoy this second chance together, and to move forward. Not everyone is happy with our choice to be together. Plenty of people have doubts. Plenty have tried to raise these doubts in me, and have so far failed. They don’t see Big check on me to make sure I’m full, or hold me until four in the morning so I feel safe. They don’t see how hard Big makes me laugh while playing games with their friends, or their eyes when they look at me. They don’t see Big being my biggest supporter in everything I do, and my comfort when I do something wrong.

I could be given a million reasons to not give Big another chance, but it will never outweigh the reason I gave them this chance, they make me happy in a way nobody I’ve been with does. Big is wonderful. I want it in print, forever, how wonderful Big is to me and how much I believe they will continue to be so.

The reason I am saying all of this is that giving a second chance is up to every individual person for their own circumstances. Sometimes, a second chance is unwise. For those who were abused, cheated, deceived, or worse, they may not be in a situation where giving a second chance is in their best interest. For me, Big’s worst crime was being afraid of commitment at a time when they had no idea what they wanted in life. I am not who I was a year ago, and neither is Big. That is why I believe in this second chance, no matter how it ends up, because that’s what it means to be unconditional. We didn’t forget our past, we just don’t let it define us now. It is up to you to decide if the second chance is worth the risk, and if it is, I say go for it. Big and I are rooting for you.

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