Gail Harper
abharper@lc.edu
‘Tis the season for Halloween candy, folks! Even if you don’t have a sweet tooth, I think it’s fair to say that Halloween candy brings a sort of reminiscence around this time of year. Many other candy rankings will claim that they’re definitive, impeccable, and the utmost standard for all sweet things Halloween. This, my friends, is no different.
The candy in this guide will not be ranked in a first-place to tenth-place format. Instead, each candy will be ranked in three categories (appearance–the first bite is with the eye; durability–will this melt in my pillowcase en route?; and taste–yummm sugar) on a scale from one to ten.
KitKat: An exquisite crunch, though these are rather melty, and they break easily in the package.
Appearance: 8
Durability: 6
Taste: 9
Reeses: The one word to describe these is “perfect”. Only problem is they might get melty and gross if you leave them in a hot room.
Appearance: 10
Durability: 5
Taste: 1,000,000
Candy corn: The colors are quintessentially Autumn. Tastes better with peanuts to balance out the corn syrup.
Appearance: 9
Durability: 10
Taste: 6
Smarties: Sure, if you like chalk.
Appearance: 7–pastels are a fairly reasonable choice for candy.
Durability: 8.5
Taste: 2
Popcorn Balls: These are ridiculously rotund and sticky, so it’s difficult to eat them while you’re trick-or-treating. But the first ingredient is corn syrup so it’s gotta be good.
Appearance: 9
Durability: 10–these would probably outlast the apocalypse so long as they stay in their packages.
Taste: 9.5
Skittles: These are only good for the first handful. After that, your tongue thinks you’ve been sucking on razors.
Appearance: 9 (one point off for the purple ones)
Durability: 10
Taste: 8.5
Twix: These seem experimental at best.
Appearance: 3 for their turd-like presentation.
Durability: 4
Taste: 6.5
M&M’s: These are high, high quality. But, “melt in your mouth not your hand” quality? I think not.
Appearance: 8
Durability: 4
Taste: 9
Nerds: Lumpy lumps of pure sugary euphoria.
Appearance: 8 (that bright coloring will most certainly give us all cancer one day)
Durability: 11
Taste: 10
Almond Joy: It’s widely accepted that these are awful. And unfortunately so. However, these should not be given out at Halloween–coconut is like, the main ingredient.
Appearance: 4
Durability: 8.5
Taste: 3
Crunch Bars: A classic. What even makes the crunch, though? I’m confused and, frankly, a little concerned.
Appearance: 3
Durability: 5
Taste: 6, only for the chocolate
This Halloween, enjoy your candy however you’d like. After all, everyone has a guilty pleasure!
